I often get asked parenting questions.   Some parents want to control every move their child makes.  Some parents maybe allow their kids to get away with too much.  Clearly parenting is not an exact science.  Even within my own family each of my three children are so very different that it is hard to imagine that they have the same parents.  I’ve had to learn from each of my kids what their personal “currency” is—that is what motivates them to stay on a constructive path.

I think one of the biggest mistakes that I see parents make is being in denial about what is going on with their kids.  Last year, a nine year old child sat on my front porch bragging to a group of his peers about how he never gets grounded, yelled at, or disciplined because he lies his way out of trouble every time and his parents are too “dumb” to figure it out. Nine years old and he is already working the system!  And unfortunately a year later, this child has built quite a reputation amongst the other children and parents as someone who cannot be trusted.  It’s heartbreaking to watch.  And the parents?  They shoot the messenger instead of understanding that their child needs guidance.  Their fear is in control.

I’m a believer in the truth, even if it is hard to hear.  You cannot guide your child if you are not willing to see the truth.  We all want to believe that our kids are the making the right choices when we are not looking, but if we are going to be effective parents, we need to be willing to see our kids as they are, not who we wish them to be. 

Kids make mistakes.  They just do.  And they need boundaries.  They need guidance.  They need to learn how to sort through problems.  Taking responsibility can be uncomfortable in the moment, but asking a child to tell the truth and take ownership of their choices, ultimately builds self esteem in the long run.  If a child is lying or cheating or deflecting blame and we as parents buy their “stories”, what are they learning?  To lie. Cheat. Deflect responsibility.  Blame others.  Make excuses.  These are not the skill sets that we want our kids to have!

If we want to raise responsible children, we must require them to be responsible for their choices. We must face exactly what is in front without sticking our heads in the sand!

So here are some tips:

1)      Be open to hearing the truth no matter what the truth is.  If a teacher, administrator, or another parent calls, listen without getting defensive or reactive.

2)      Have a conversation with your child.  Ask questions.  Ask how events played out.  Ask for information about other people that might have been present.  Be willing to check facts if necessary.

3)      Don’t pass judgment.  Judgment cannot change events, but it can cause your child to fear being honest.

4)      Ask your child to state what he is she is responsible for. 

5)      Ask your child to state what he or she can do better when faced with another challenge.  If your child cannot think of alternate behaviors, go ahead and offer some constructive ideas.

6)      Ask your child to explain how other people might have been impacted by his or her behavior.  Ask your child to apologize to those people.

7)      Choose a consequence linked to your child’s currency.  If they value television time, the consequence might be no TV for a certain period of time.

      Don’t bend.  Hold yourself accountable to enforcing the consequence.

9)      Offer praise when your child does take responsibility. 

10)  Give yourself some credit for facing a tough situation head on!

The work I do with “fear” centers around how fear gets in the way of us being true to ourselves, showing up in the world as who we really are—without all of the social masks we wear, and doing what we aspire to do in our lives. Fear is a roadblock or an obstacle because it is our nature to want to stay emotionally safe. We don’t want to feel uncomfortable or risk looking foolish or worry about failing or feel guilty about our excuses. So we just keep doing what we have always done—often making choices that are leading us farther and farther down a road we know in our gut we don’t want to continue on.
With all of the information available to us through the news, magazines, internet, “diet” books, and various other resources, most of us know what to do—eat less and increase our activity. Yet, we continue to get fatter and fatter. I’ve been there. I have had my ups and downs with weight—gaining and losing the same 15 pounds over and over again. I gained 50, 65 and 85 pounds respectively with my three children—and then had to work really hard to get it off. I began to ask myself some serious questions—“Why do I keep doing this yo-yo thing? I’m a smart gal; I know what to do…so why don’t I do it?” I am sure different people have different reasons, but I believe it all comes down to FEAR. You might think—Uh, I am afraid to lose weight? I don’t think so! Well, it’s usually not quite that obvious.
For me, it took some serious internal exploration because I always saw myself as a pretty fearless person. I’ve been skydiving. I talked my husband into selling our house and starting over in a new state based on a book about great places to raise a family. And I saw myself as someone who was open to trying new things….Me? Yo-yo dieting because of FEAR? No, I’m fearless…Yes, it was fear! You see I have always been the kind of person who put everyone else before me. It made me a great mother, a great wife, a great friend, a great employee—it also made me overweight.
Every time I got caught up in the “busy-ness” of my life, fear kept me from being true to myself and taking care of myself the way my intuition told me to. Somehow taking care of me would take time away from others. If I wasn’t there for others, they might stop needing me. If they stop needing me, I won’t have a purpose. If I don’t have a purpose, I don’t have worth (in my mind). Not feeling worthy was SCARY! Ah, there’s the fear! There it is.
Maybe your story is similar to mine. Maybe you are afraid of letting your family or culture down if you don’t eat at family dinners. Maybe you are afraid of the attention you will get if you are thinner. Maybe you are afraid that you will somehow have to give up who you are if you change. All I know is it is worth exposing. Accepting that you have fear may make you feel weak. That’s just a perception. Understanding and facing your fear is not weakness, it is empowering! And it can provide the keys to being happy, healthy, trim, and fit!