I think one of the biggest mistakes that I see parents make is being in denial about what is going on with their kids.  Last year, a nine year old child sat on my front porch bragging to a group of his peers about how he never gets grounded, yelled at, or disciplined because he lies his way out of trouble every time and his parents are too “dumb” to figure it out. Nine years old and he is already working the system!  And unfortunately a year later, this child has built quite a reputation amongst the other children and parents as someone who cannot be trusted.  It’s heartbreaking to watch.  And the parents?  They shoot the messenger instead of understanding that their child needs guidance.  Their fear is in control.

I’m a believer in the truth, even if it is hard to hear.  You cannot guide your child if you are not willing to see the truth.  We all want to believe that our kids are the making the right choices when we are not looking, but if we are going to be effective parents, we need to be willing to see our kids as they are, not who we wish them to be. 

Kids make mistakes.  They just do.  And they need boundaries.  They need guidance.  They need to learn how to sort through problems.  Taking responsibility can be uncomfortable in the moment, but asking a child to tell the truth and take ownership of their choices, ultimately builds self esteem in the long run.  If a child is lying or cheating or deflecting blame and we as parents buy their “stories”, what are they learning?  To lie. Cheat. Deflect responsibility.  Blame others.  Make excuses.  These are not the skill sets that we want our kids to have!

If we want to raise responsible children, we must require them to be responsible for their choices. We must face exactly what is in front without sticking our heads in the sand!

So here are some tips:

1)      Be open to hearing the truth no matter what the truth is.  If a teacher, administrator, or another parent calls, listen without getting defensive or reactive.

2)      Have a conversation with your child.  Ask questions.  Ask how events played out.  Ask for information about other people that might have been present.  Be willing to check facts if necessary.

3)      Don’t pass judgment.  Judgment cannot change events, but it can cause your child to fear being honest.

4)      Ask your child to state what he is she is responsible for. 

5)      Ask your child to state what he or she can do better when faced with another challenge.  If your child cannot think of alternate behaviors, go ahead and offer some constructive ideas.

6)      Ask your child to explain how other people might have been impacted by his or her behavior.  Ask your child to apologize to those people.

7)      Choose a consequence linked to your child’s currency.  If they value television time, the consequence might be no TV for a certain period of time.

      Don’t bend.  Hold yourself accountable to enforcing the consequence.

9)      Offer praise when your child does take responsibility. 

10)  Give yourself some credit for facing a tough situation head on!